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Saints + Martyrs

by Maria Tuadi

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about

You ever feel like this?

Yeah, the highs are great, but fuck the lows.

I remember the day I wrote this song quite vividly. Quarantine had just been put into effect, and I was going through a very depressive episode. I went out onto the balcony to cry. Andrew noticed and tried to be there for me, but I just couldn’t let him anywhere near me. I hated him seeing me like this.

Then it hit.

This lyric just kept coming to me. So I forced myself to start typing into my notes app.

In the next 15 min I was looking at a song. A song that said exactly what I wanted to say for so many years. It was intimate. It was brutal. It was honest. It was me. I had found MY sound.

lyrics

Hateful Hopeless
Hot tears Hot Mess
Holding tight to Holding patterns
Hand still shaking
Nothing matters
Heart cut open
No consoling
Hair in a halo under water
You be the saint, I’ll be the martyr

Verse:
How’d I end up here again
How’d I hide this from my friends
Guess it’s hard to see it when
You care but you just don’t Understand
The waves they come and go
And I still feel alone
Smiling in the storm
When it’s over, I’ll let you know


Chorus:
Hateful Hopeless
Hot tears Hot Mess
Holding tight to Holding patterns
Hand still shaking
Nothing matters
Heart cut open
No consoling
Hair in a halo under water
You be the saint, I’ll be the martyr


Washed up on shore
With Prozac in my system
Wishing once more
I hadn’t been so insistent
Wish I could wipe what you witnessed
Wish you hadn’t heard hope you listened
Just hold me down for the distance
And I’ll try hard to forgive this

Hateful Hopeless
Hot tears Hot Mess
Holding tight to Holding patterns
Hand still shaking
Nothing matters
Heart cut open
No consoling
Hair in a halo under water
You be the saint, I’ll be the martyr again, again, and again and again, and aga-in

Hateful Hopeless
Hot tears Hot Mess
Trying hard to break these patterns
Hands still shaking
But we matter
Heart cut open
It’s ok, don’t sew it
Reach my hand out of the water
This time I swear I won’t be the martyr again…

credits

released July 24, 2020

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Maria Tuadi Los Angeles, California

Indonesian-American Singer-Songwriter & Filmmaker based in LA. Her single, "Still" has received a Lennon Award and was also named Session I 2016 Grand Prize Winner in the R&B Category of The John Lennon Songwriting Contest. She has since won the award for Best Original Score at the Asians on Film Festival for Fall 2018 ... more

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